Today, the past few days actually, I’ve been completely obsessed about a haircut that I am scheduled to receive on Wednesday, and according to my analytical nature, almost every waking moment has been devoted to this topic. Blind as a bat (I didn’t have my glasses); I went to run daily errands.
I have to get money from the bank. Should I really go that short? Hand in my roommate’s paper. Could I pull it off? I’m so late! I wonder if the bus is going to be there soon. Am I doing this for myself or for the attention? It’s my sister’s birthday this week, what should I get her? It’s almost silent everywhere I go, I guess this is what spring break looks like in Logan, Utah! I wonder if the bank is open in the TSC over spring break… That’s so short!
Heading back to my apartment, still consumed in selfish thought (I’ll spare you the egotistical details), I smiled at a man (whom I couldn’t see) in the distance; my usual greeting. I slowly realized a few things: he was in a wheelchair, he was about 70, he didn’t have his right leg, and he looked less than well-kept. He said “Why, hello there!” I more-brightly-than-I-felt replied “Hello!” We began talking, first about the bus and when it was supposed to arrive; in ten minutes I might add, almost exactly the amount of time it would take me to briskly walk to my apartment. For some reason that I still cannot explain other than providence, I felt instantly calm and stayed to talk with the man. I usually analyze and reanalyze the situation for safety and time constraints, but my mind was cooled, only to be interrupted with the occasional should I be more worried right now? He inquired where I was from, I gave a vague answer (just in case, you can never be too careful). He told me that he went to Highland High School, that he had played basketball at Highland High School. This took me aback more than it should have; I wondered: You, you played basketball? Where did you see yourself when you were my age? It couldn’t have been in a wheelchair waiting for a bus in the cold without your leg! He was a man, he was a human, not something that only exists to arouse pity and provide opportunities for charity to fully functioning Homo sapiens. As we talked about our parents and grandparents, and as he with child-like innocence and pain mentioned his parents’ death, his humanity was only seared deeper into my judgment.
He told me he liked to make pies, and though I usually would write the comment off as senility, I listened. He told me that he wanted to open a bakery in downtown Salt Lake. “Do you like pecan pie? Banana cream is my specialty! I make the best banana cream pie! You don’t believe me! I believe you (said with wonder and no sarcasm) I love my home town! Have you been to Little America? I love Little America...” I wanted to believe that in the summer months I would find him opening the doors of his beloved bakery, but deep inside, I felt a pang of sadness knowing it most likely would never happen.
He asked me what I was majoring in; I gave the standard “Speech Communications” reply. He asked what I wanted to do with that degree and I told him. Almost like a recent graduate he told me “I majored in Natural Resources up here, but I don’t like doing that outdoors stuff anymore.” He then told me “I’m built for architecture; I’m an artist you know… an artist” (his voice trailed as he potentially reminisced on his previous artistic triumphs.) He jumped back in “I’m planning on going to the U for architecture soon; I’m going to be an architect.” As much as I didn’t want to question this hope, I knew the rigorous program would not intermingle well with his fragile state… and I was forced by social comparison and reason to think otherwise.
He, in his crippled, elderly state still had dreams, had visions of what he wants not wanted his life to look like. He had hope; he had vision; he had humanity. All I could think on the bus ride home was: What am I doing?! I have wasted this whole day thinking and fearing, lost in a chasm of mundane existence! Am I dreaming? Am I fulfilling my dreams or are my youth and infinite opportunities being squandered by fear and a focus on the menial? I have more opportunities and time than I know what to do with… what am I doing? Where is my bakery? Where is my architecture school?
I’m glad I didn’t efficiently powerwalk to my apartment.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
ToTU epiphany #3 (the final... maybe) :)
Sometimes you win Tiles of the Unexpected… and it’s worth it. The hours spent dwindling in victory-less mediocrity (and hours and hours) is worth it. It’s worth the challenges and the unknowns, it’s worth taking a few risks and doing what you think is right to build up your bomb storage for a tile-saturated day. There's a reason you keep playing: the hope of someday finishing the near-impossible third level... the tantalizing, incomprehensible satisfaction of smashing that last horse-cow or oriental smiley. There is always hope, it's been done before, it most likely will be done again, the rules set forth by the game-master in space says it can be done by you; you have only to believe and continue trying and trusting the pieces to cancel themselves out. (see epiphany #2) This aforementioned idea is my THIRD epiphany while playing this sage-esque cyber game; either I'm an excessively quirky person, or the programmers of the game REALLY knew what they were doing!
I've had my eyes opened the past few days to some major things I need to work on in myself, for those around me, and for the happiness of my future. All I can say is that God watches out for me. He knows who I am and what I need and when I need it. People are worth it. Life is worth it. God is worth it. There are happy people. There are positive relationships, not perfect, but positive; people who will genuinely care about you. There are answers to prayers. There is purpose to this life. There is always room to improve or we wouldn't need to be here. There is hope.
(Thoughts helped along by catalysts “Dancing in the Minefields” by Andrew Peterson and "Bless the Broken Road" by Selah, which you should LOOK UP RIGHT NOW if you've never heard them, they're beautiful!)
I've had my eyes opened the past few days to some major things I need to work on in myself, for those around me, and for the happiness of my future. All I can say is that God watches out for me. He knows who I am and what I need and when I need it. People are worth it. Life is worth it. God is worth it. There are happy people. There are positive relationships, not perfect, but positive; people who will genuinely care about you. There are answers to prayers. There is purpose to this life. There is always room to improve or we wouldn't need to be here. There is hope.
(Thoughts helped along by catalysts “Dancing in the Minefields” by Andrew Peterson and "Bless the Broken Road" by Selah, which you should LOOK UP RIGHT NOW if you've never heard them, they're beautiful!)
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Tiles of the Unexpected
It is strange to think that my first semester of college lessons is complete and a new one has begun. Change is inevitable and that fact is liberating. I never have to be the same person I was yesterday, a year ago, ten years ago; I can be a new person, built upon my experiences every new day of my life. At times in your life, you are compelled to reminisce about how much you have learned over a particularly set amount of time or period of accomplishment. This semester shift summons my attention to the amount of growth I have gone through in a period of a few short months. I realized something while playing "Tiles of the Unexpected" yesterday (The second epiphany I have had via this virtual oracle). Epiphany 1 (as recorded in my journal "Bliss" 4/29/10):
"Life is "Tiles of the Unexpected". No matter how much you try to plan out your next move, only the master games-man knows what lies beneath that first level. You try to match horse-cow to horse-cow and maybe a red smiley crashes in between. Sometimes you just have to learn to let the games-man show you and you'll end up smashing out a whole row where you thought you were stuck. Real life application... stop worrying about finding an occupation, sometimes God just makes things fit together when you're stuck on your own between a ninja and a horse-cow."
This next epiphany reflects everything I've learned this semester. I realized that until yesterday, I never knew how to play Tiles of the Unexpected. My previous strategy had been to get rid of the top layer first with as little movement as possible from the under-level so I could clear my visible path without disturbing any formation. I realized yesterday that by doing this, I got no points or extra bombs in my storage (and in life, no learning experiences)! Only when you allow the formation to change and cancel itself out can you earn points! Before last semester, I was scared of all life had in store for me; it was too unpredictable, uncontrollable, and uncomfortable. I have learned this semester that change is the reason we are alive. It is a tool to refine us, to make us stronger. It allows us to see ourselves as we never could have before and to observe our opportunities with fresh eyes and an open mind. Even though the tiles may shift, you need to go with it, and all the tiles end up canceling themselves out... life will work out; God knows your formula for refinement until he can see His image in your countenance. The question is, how much will you let the refinement do its work?
A list of major things I have learned this semester:
1) My honors life science class taught me how to be critical of things around me. I now know how to not take things at face value, but to research, form my own opinions, and continue researching for the rest of my life. I am now an individual with my own formed opinions, and I am grateful. I learned how to challenge myself.
2) My Archeology class taught me how to rely on the Lord first, and everything will work out. I learned how to exercise my faith and to not run away at the first sign of conflict, but to trust and do. I learned how to trust myself and the spirit.
3) My Psych 1220 class taught me that it is okay to be myself and that there are endless possibilities that will coincide with the person I want to become. It caused me to really think about who I am, what my aspirations are, and who I want to become through my future experiences. I learned how to be myself.
4) Tai Chi. Oh Tai Chi... Tai Chi taught me that it is okay not to be perfect and to let go. When Master Kao told me that I was failing at mid-terms, I went mental; I almost dropped the class because in my mind, it would be better than to learn the lessons and possibly fail at something. I'm so glad I didn't. By sticking it out, I proved to myself that I can do hard things. I learned that once you let go of that needless tension and "need" to be perfect, life can flow, you can be one with yourself and your decisions. I learned of my own strength. I learned how to know myself.
5) In vocal lessons, I discovered my self worth. I realized that there is no such thing as competition, there is only improvement and those willing to do so. I learned that I don't need to give everything away to be excepted, that trust must be earned. I learned how to share myself.
6) Being in the Relief Society Presidency has given me so much strength, and I have learned how to feel the spirit. I have learned how to work for what I want. I have learned how to be a lighthouse. I've learned how to separate my emotions from Heavenly Father's promptings, and I will be grateful for that eternally.
7) With my roommates, I have learned how to cry on a shoulder, and how to be the shoulder for someone to cry on. I see how much I've grown from their influences and how much I have grown for learning how to compromise and communicate.
8) Lastly, I have learned that I am a daughter of God and that I am worth positive things. I now know who I am and will never allow myself to be demeaned or mistreated because I am worth more than that.
For those who would like to know what Tiles of the Unexpected is: http://www.gamesgames.com/game/Tiles-of-the-Unexpected.html
"Life is "Tiles of the Unexpected". No matter how much you try to plan out your next move, only the master games-man knows what lies beneath that first level. You try to match horse-cow to horse-cow and maybe a red smiley crashes in between. Sometimes you just have to learn to let the games-man show you and you'll end up smashing out a whole row where you thought you were stuck. Real life application... stop worrying about finding an occupation, sometimes God just makes things fit together when you're stuck on your own between a ninja and a horse-cow."
This next epiphany reflects everything I've learned this semester. I realized that until yesterday, I never knew how to play Tiles of the Unexpected. My previous strategy had been to get rid of the top layer first with as little movement as possible from the under-level so I could clear my visible path without disturbing any formation. I realized yesterday that by doing this, I got no points or extra bombs in my storage (and in life, no learning experiences)! Only when you allow the formation to change and cancel itself out can you earn points! Before last semester, I was scared of all life had in store for me; it was too unpredictable, uncontrollable, and uncomfortable. I have learned this semester that change is the reason we are alive. It is a tool to refine us, to make us stronger. It allows us to see ourselves as we never could have before and to observe our opportunities with fresh eyes and an open mind. Even though the tiles may shift, you need to go with it, and all the tiles end up canceling themselves out... life will work out; God knows your formula for refinement until he can see His image in your countenance. The question is, how much will you let the refinement do its work?
A list of major things I have learned this semester:
1) My honors life science class taught me how to be critical of things around me. I now know how to not take things at face value, but to research, form my own opinions, and continue researching for the rest of my life. I am now an individual with my own formed opinions, and I am grateful. I learned how to challenge myself.
2) My Archeology class taught me how to rely on the Lord first, and everything will work out. I learned how to exercise my faith and to not run away at the first sign of conflict, but to trust and do. I learned how to trust myself and the spirit.
3) My Psych 1220 class taught me that it is okay to be myself and that there are endless possibilities that will coincide with the person I want to become. It caused me to really think about who I am, what my aspirations are, and who I want to become through my future experiences. I learned how to be myself.
4) Tai Chi. Oh Tai Chi... Tai Chi taught me that it is okay not to be perfect and to let go. When Master Kao told me that I was failing at mid-terms, I went mental; I almost dropped the class because in my mind, it would be better than to learn the lessons and possibly fail at something. I'm so glad I didn't. By sticking it out, I proved to myself that I can do hard things. I learned that once you let go of that needless tension and "need" to be perfect, life can flow, you can be one with yourself and your decisions. I learned of my own strength. I learned how to know myself.
5) In vocal lessons, I discovered my self worth. I realized that there is no such thing as competition, there is only improvement and those willing to do so. I learned that I don't need to give everything away to be excepted, that trust must be earned. I learned how to share myself.
6) Being in the Relief Society Presidency has given me so much strength, and I have learned how to feel the spirit. I have learned how to work for what I want. I have learned how to be a lighthouse. I've learned how to separate my emotions from Heavenly Father's promptings, and I will be grateful for that eternally.
7) With my roommates, I have learned how to cry on a shoulder, and how to be the shoulder for someone to cry on. I see how much I've grown from their influences and how much I have grown for learning how to compromise and communicate.
8) Lastly, I have learned that I am a daughter of God and that I am worth positive things. I now know who I am and will never allow myself to be demeaned or mistreated because I am worth more than that.
For those who would like to know what Tiles of the Unexpected is: http://www.gamesgames.com/game/Tiles-of-the-Unexpected.html
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